a pet grief observed
If you've followed along with Bubba's tribute to this point, both the happy memories and the tragic, thank you sincerely. I know it was a difficult read at points, and I'm sorry it ran even longer than expected. Thank you for reading, and for identifying with the pain and the loss. So many of you have experienced the same, in some cases many times over, and I'm so sorry for that.
There was even more about the moments before and after Bubba's death I'd wanted to share, but I found a journal entry from a couple days later which sums up the experience up fairly well. I hope sharing this doesn't seem self-serving, but that it helps normalize the depths which the loss of a companion animal can take us to, in agony and emptiness, and in brokenhearted faith ...
Slugger passed on Thursday, two days ago, about 4:00 PM at the vet. They think he had a latent FIP virus, which awoke through the stress of the urinary tract blockage and treatment. It's been a gutwrenching couple of days ...
I couldn't stop petting him or holding my head to his after he was given the serum (at death's door), and I couldn't drive away from the vet when we finally walked out. I sobbed and sobbed, and again as I buried him in the overgrown field behind the apartment (a beautiful spot), in pouring rain.
I miss him everywhere I look in the house, and still cry the two times I've gone back to his grave. I feel so sorry for having taken him for granted, especially in recent weeks and months before his condition started, and that I couldn't prevent his suffering or make him well. And I feel such a hole, especially not knowing if God has taken him back to himself for us to meet again or not. I so badly want to know if I'll see him again ...
He was such a good, patient cat, with all of us, including Bitsy, and it hurts to know Jadon will not get to grow up with him. But it occurred to me more clearly today how much of a family member and friend he's been, and to me. I don't have close friends (or keep them close to me), at least not consistently, but he was always there to come home to.
I love you Bubba, so much ... I miss you terribly. And I'm so sorry your life ended so soon, and so suddenly ... I'd give about anything to have you home for a long time to come, like we never expected you wouldn't be.
God, it's hard to feel you in all of this. I sometimes think you must have loved him more than we did. I pray that this is true, even though I don't understand what happened to him, or to us. I pray that his life which you so lovingly created, and gave to all of us as a gift, that you've taken it back to yourself, and that you will preserve him for us to reunite someday again. I pray that he's loved, and cherished, and snuggled with, and cared for now ... please.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away ... 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'
He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'
... He who testifies to these things says, 'Yes, I am coming soon.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus." (Revelation 21: 1, 4-5; 22:20, NIV)
(For more on the insidious but, thankfully, relatively low-mutating FIP(V) viral disease which to this point has no cure, please see this page. Again, I can't thank you enough for reading and sharing Bubba's life and loss with me and my family. I hope you continue to feel welcome to share your own memories and experiences with grief, here in the comments, on our Facebook page, as well as with our newly formed companion animal suffering & grief support group on Facebook as well.)
Ben DeVries
p.s. - The title of this post is adapted from a soul-searching personal reflection by C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (HarperCollins; originally published in '61 by Faber & Faber). The book describes Lewis' intense agony and wrestling with God over the loss of his wife to cancer after being married only a few years (see the film Shadowlands for a loose but poignant depiction). But there are powerful analogies to all forms of grief, even depression (as I found working towards my own book). Virtually the entire book is worth underlining, but here are just a few lines from the first pages:
There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don't really mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man's life. I was happy before I ever met H. I've plenty of what are called 'resources'. People get over these things. Come, I shan't do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this 'commonsense' vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace. ...
Reader Comments (4)
:' ( How sad.... It made me think of Grandpa, losing and burying in his backyard several beloved dogs. I wish I had understood better what he was going through at the time. I do hope we'll see these pets again one day! Love, Mom
Thanks, mom - Ben
wow... I have just found your blog, Ben- and have sobbed my way through Bubba's story. How I understand your grief, your questions, & ultimately, your trust in a good God who will ultimately make all things right with our world! My husband & i lost both our beautiful Maine Coon boys within 6 months of each other- they were 12 & almost 17, and such an integral part of our family. Riley, the 12 y/o, had to be euthanized after determining that cancer had ravaged his body; Meshach, the 17 y/o collapsed in our bed one morning suddenly- but had been diagnosed with renal disease. I remain convinced that God took him, because we simply did not have the strength to put another faithful friend down.
My story is much happier these days, however. After grieving terribly for months, we took the plunge & brought home a nine month old Maine Coon rescue who we named Jonah. He is slowly coming around & learning to trust our care & love for him. This coming Tuesday we are adding Zoey, a 3 month old Maine Coon girl- and although we still miss our beautiful boys, the house will once again resound with the sound of bouncing ping pong balls, and kitten feet running amuck. All I can say is... God is good! Take care and thank you so much for starting this blog- i will look for you on Facebook, Ben! God bless you & your family, and all involved in this very special ministry!
Pam, thank you for your warm condolences regarding the loss of Bubba. I’m grateful that you read the posts about him, and for your empathy. I’m so sorry for the loss of your own Maine Coon boys, but very glad to know about the new life in your home. We haven’t yet replaced Bubba, but I know what you mean, you can never really do that. I do hope we can bring another male home at some point, to play with our little son especially. Thank you again for getting in touch, and for the encouragement regarding Not One Sparrow. Please feel free to check in anytime. best wishes, Ben